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  <title>VILEFRANK</title>
  <link>https://bingqiu.dreamwidth.org/</link>
  <description>VILEFRANK - Dreamwidth Studios</description>
  <lastBuildDate>Fri, 17 Apr 2026 18:13:47 GMT</lastBuildDate>
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  <lj:journal>bingqiu</lj:journal>
  <lj:journaltype>personal</lj:journaltype>
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    <url>https://v2.dreamwidth.org/18362260/4243891</url>
    <title>VILEFRANK</title>
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  <guid isPermaLink='true'>https://bingqiu.dreamwidth.org/4444.html</guid>
  <pubDate>Fri, 17 Apr 2026 18:13:47 GMT</pubDate>
  <title>dry-shower thought.</title>
  <link>https://bingqiu.dreamwidth.org/4444.html</link>
  <description>hello!&amp;nbsp;it&apos;s funny how motivated a person can get when they are busy doing something else and thinking about what else they could be doing with their time. in my case, i cant do anything else with my time other than studying and resting or else id be sacrificing both of them, and that is not what i want for myself.&amp;nbsp;&lt;br /&gt;&lt;br /&gt;i want to write so badly. i want to create.&lt;br /&gt;&lt;br /&gt;ive been getting into the habit of documenting anything creative because i have a lot of worldbuilding in my head that would be better on paper. it would also help me expand and clear out any inconsistencies. while doing this, ive realised ive been limiting what i write as if im not allowed to make my characters complex and my stories personalised. i think this comes from the fact that i struggle with shame and i am avoidant to entertainment for some odd reason. i need to go to therapy, but today is not the day.&lt;br /&gt;&lt;br /&gt;i write horror and my tone is somber. thats what i love and how i think. it gets trickier when im writing for other people. i write in a more upbeat and ironic way, making fun of the surroundings around the character rather than pinpointing the issues just to keep it lighthearted.&lt;br /&gt;&lt;br /&gt;&lt;img src=&quot;https://www.dreamwidth.org/tools/commentcount?user=bingqiu&amp;ditemid=4444&quot; width=&quot;30&quot; height=&quot;12&quot; alt=&quot;comment count unavailable&quot; style=&quot;vertical-align: middle;&quot;/&gt; comments</description>
  <comments>https://bingqiu.dreamwidth.org/4444.html</comments>
  <category>me</category>
  <lj:security>public</lj:security>
  <lj:reply-count>0</lj:reply-count>
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<item>
  <guid isPermaLink='true'>https://bingqiu.dreamwidth.org/4190.html</guid>
  <pubDate>Fri, 10 Apr 2026 14:31:11 GMT</pubDate>
  <title>pending project (for now).</title>
  <link>https://bingqiu.dreamwidth.org/4190.html</link>
  <description>&amp;nbsp;i might work on a creative project that combines degrees of lewdity and yandere simulator together, but they&apos;re just my headcannons and canon-characters-turned-ocs. ive been lacking the wackiness of the creative process so why not do it with two games i used to like and participate in the fandom of?&amp;nbsp;&lt;br /&gt;&lt;br /&gt;&lt;img src=&quot;https://www.dreamwidth.org/tools/commentcount?user=bingqiu&amp;ditemid=4190&quot; width=&quot;30&quot; height=&quot;12&quot; alt=&quot;comment count unavailable&quot; style=&quot;vertical-align: middle;&quot;/&gt; comments</description>
  <comments>https://bingqiu.dreamwidth.org/4190.html</comments>
  <category>me</category>
  <category>pondering</category>
  <lj:mood>creative</lj:mood>
  <lj:security>public</lj:security>
  <lj:reply-count>0</lj:reply-count>
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<item>
  <guid isPermaLink='true'>https://bingqiu.dreamwidth.org/4047.html</guid>
  <pubDate>Fri, 10 Apr 2026 11:26:36 GMT</pubDate>
  <title>walls.</title>
  <link>https://bingqiu.dreamwidth.org/4047.html</link>
  <description>for a while now, ive been between the borders of introverted and asocial. i have always been introverted and the only reason for my extroverted traits was my heightened empathy. now that ive grown up and gone through events that have me wondering if anything is really worth it other than investing in myself, ive been presenting more and more asocial characteristics.&lt;br /&gt;&lt;br /&gt;whats ironic is that i understand the importance of community, and from what i understand from the ideology, i am anti individualism, however i am not heavily educated on this except for experiencing people who hold this view and what it has led to for them. i understand the importance of communication and patience. its too bad that others like to test mine.&lt;br /&gt;&lt;br /&gt;ive become less and less tolarable to stress. i dont shut down, but i cant communicate properly. to be honest, i was never good under stress and i never will.&lt;br /&gt;&lt;br /&gt;ive already limited my social media usage to other ones, and even then, i dont use those apps a whole lot. i dont go on youtube unless its for video essays, asmr shorts or playthoughs / tutorials. the last time i doomscrolled on instagram was to numb my thumping heart while dealing with the darkness that the hour presented and anxiety.&amp;nbsp;&lt;br /&gt;&lt;br /&gt;i cant speak to people normally because i lack reactions that anyone else around me would have. i prefer to listen rather than speak, and im not an interesting speaker to begin with.&lt;br /&gt;&lt;br /&gt;im not upset at my asocial traits, but it is unfortunate. i cant dream about having a romantic relationship anymore in fear of being taken advantage of. i think the series of events have cracked the already fragile exterior that i had. i love to daydream. i love to think there is someone out there for me.&amp;nbsp;&lt;br /&gt;&lt;br /&gt;but ive already been diappointed by those close to me and strangers to me. i dont want to hope anymore. i want expectation. it hurts. it hurts so badly. i want to be naive and carefree. i cant since that will only bring more to the table.&lt;br /&gt;&lt;br /&gt;not all hope is lost. im not forcing myself into isolation and im not expelling all types of human interaction. i still have to be functional, and for me, that requires other people. i have dreams and passions that i have remembered after years of pushing them down. i want to persue them.&amp;nbsp;&lt;br /&gt;&lt;br /&gt;i havent posted in a while because either nothing was happening or too much happened. i dont know how to organise my thoughts. i need to find something to speak about, even if its the breakfast i had 10 years ago. i just have a bunch of goals ive been hitting and im getting comfortable with being uncomfortable. ive been unproductive this whole year and i want to change that. i want to feel like a person.&lt;br /&gt;&lt;br /&gt;games have been helping me a bunch, mainly of the rpg genre. gotta love some good rpgs !&lt;br /&gt;&lt;br /&gt;&lt;img src=&quot;https://www.dreamwidth.org/tools/commentcount?user=bingqiu&amp;ditemid=4047&quot; width=&quot;30&quot; height=&quot;12&quot; alt=&quot;comment count unavailable&quot; style=&quot;vertical-align: middle;&quot;/&gt; comments</description>
  <comments>https://bingqiu.dreamwidth.org/4047.html</comments>
  <category>rant</category>
  <category>me</category>
  <lj:mood>aggravated</lj:mood>
  <lj:security>public</lj:security>
  <lj:reply-count>4</lj:reply-count>
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<item>
  <guid isPermaLink='true'>https://bingqiu.dreamwidth.org/3696.html</guid>
  <pubDate>Mon, 30 Mar 2026 22:36:00 GMT</pubDate>
  <title>rebirth (coming soon in cinemas near you).</title>
  <link>https://bingqiu.dreamwidth.org/3696.html</link>
  <description>ive been fantasising all day long. im thinking about the man i could be. the man i strive to be. the man i will be.&lt;br /&gt;&lt;br /&gt;im also slowly dismantaling what i know about myself, or rather, what ive enforced upon myself. ive realised that i dont compare myself to women anymore. i used to do this just in case i needed to impress a cis man or my family. now that i have more clarity, i refuse to feminise myself unless its actually on my terms. i am a feminine person - a black woman in spirit - but i am a neutral trans guy throughout. does that make sense?&lt;br /&gt;&lt;br /&gt;im going back to binding again. ive forgotten how much i dont like my chest. ive been accepting of it, like a vegetable that you dont like but is on your plate regardless. i dont know if the people in the house have clocked that i am trans or gender nonconforming in some sort of way. im still not stopping if its a problem for them. i contribute enough for them to mind their own business. hnnggg, top surgery. i wish for it now.&lt;br /&gt;&lt;br /&gt;shout out to the shounen genre and yaoi for being my biggest sources of gender envy. i am looking at you, megumi fushiguro, and you two, ho-in and woojin from lucky paradise.&lt;br /&gt;&lt;br /&gt;&lt;img src=&quot;https://www.dreamwidth.org/tools/commentcount?user=bingqiu&amp;ditemid=3696&quot; width=&quot;30&quot; height=&quot;12&quot; alt=&quot;comment count unavailable&quot; style=&quot;vertical-align: middle;&quot;/&gt; comments</description>
  <comments>https://bingqiu.dreamwidth.org/3696.html</comments>
  <category>me</category>
  <category>queer</category>
  <lj:music>que sera sera - glamscure</lj:music>
  <lj:mood>dorky</lj:mood>
  <lj:security>public</lj:security>
  <lj:reply-count>0</lj:reply-count>
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<item>
  <guid isPermaLink='true'>https://bingqiu.dreamwidth.org/3574.html</guid>
  <pubDate>Mon, 30 Mar 2026 10:20:46 GMT</pubDate>
  <title>my bad.</title>
  <link>https://bingqiu.dreamwidth.org/3574.html</link>
  <description>i turned off ip address logging so that people can interact without fear. i did not know that was a thing, but its nice to know it is otherwise id also show mine. reminds me to keep my vpn near my belt all the time. thank you to the person who told me.!&lt;br /&gt;&lt;br /&gt;&lt;img src=&quot;https://www.dreamwidth.org/tools/commentcount?user=bingqiu&amp;ditemid=3574&quot; width=&quot;30&quot; height=&quot;12&quot; alt=&quot;comment count unavailable&quot; style=&quot;vertical-align: middle;&quot;/&gt; comments</description>
  <comments>https://bingqiu.dreamwidth.org/3574.html</comments>
  <category>announcement</category>
  <lj:music>viyella&apos;s memory - laur</lj:music>
  <lj:mood>sleepy</lj:mood>
  <lj:security>public</lj:security>
  <lj:reply-count>2</lj:reply-count>
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<item>
  <guid isPermaLink='true'>https://bingqiu.dreamwidth.org/3264.html</guid>
  <pubDate>Fri, 27 Mar 2026 19:19:39 GMT</pubDate>
  <title>feelings from the other side.</title>
  <link>https://bingqiu.dreamwidth.org/3264.html</link>
  <description>&amp;nbsp;today&apos;s question of the day is, &amp;quot;is vile in love with his friend?&amp;quot;&lt;br /&gt;&lt;br /&gt;what a loaded question. ive noticed how attractive he is and this is deeply embarrassing to say.&lt;br /&gt;&lt;br /&gt;as someone who is greyrose (and arguably demirose but i dont like too many microlabels on myself), its a strange feeling to be &amp;quot;in love&amp;quot;. i can confidently say i had two cases of amor. one was a situationship with my (ex-)friend&apos;s headmate. we became friends and i started to love the way they showed their love to me. we were in a queerplatonic relationship after i explained what it was but i have come to realise it was shallow just like our friendship. i am a naturally clingy and na&amp;iuml;ve person and at this time, i believed that, when people called you their friend or anything within the bracket of closeness, they would consider your emotions while you also listened to them during heavy times. i learnt the hard way that the word &apos;friend&apos; had lost its meaning and there are unspoken hierarchies. i got over that, but it was painful. the sapphic breakup yearn&amp;trade; type of painful. the second time was with a long-term, close friend. our situation didn&apos;t help my feelings go away and i had hope everytime i saw him. a year ago, i forced myself to let it go because this crush lasted years. its over, lil bro.&lt;br /&gt;&lt;br /&gt;as someone who had been deemed ugly, i feel like i am mentally assaulting the person i have romantic adjacent feelings towards. in my mind, i am so unworthy of love that i friendzone myself and run away from any romantic advances. i get shameful if i even think about a future with that person. ive gotta better with uplifting my self esteem. im neutral about myself on good days.&lt;br /&gt;&lt;br /&gt;back to the friend, i haven&apos;t had close friendships like this. noone in my past had shared the same interests as me, but this friend did.&lt;br /&gt;&lt;br /&gt;is this grounds to falling in love with someone? maybe, maybe not.&lt;br /&gt;&lt;br /&gt;my simple answer, after thinking about it the whole day, is: no, im not in love with him.&lt;br /&gt;&lt;br /&gt;&amp;quot;&amp;quot;gender envy&amp;quot; is a phenomenon in which an individual feels envious of other how an individual or thing presents their gender.&amp;quot; &amp;mdash;&amp;nbsp;&lt;a href=&quot;https://gender.fandom.com/wiki/Gender_Envy&quot;&gt;gender wiki&lt;/a&gt;.&lt;br /&gt;&lt;br /&gt;what i am feeling is gender admiration on top of a deep, platonic respect towards the guy.&amp;nbsp;&lt;br /&gt;&lt;br /&gt;plus, i can only start liking a person when they&apos;re making advances. is this real love? who knows.&lt;br /&gt;&lt;br /&gt;&lt;br /&gt;&lt;img src=&quot;https://www.dreamwidth.org/tools/commentcount?user=bingqiu&amp;ditemid=3264&quot; width=&quot;30&quot; height=&quot;12&quot; alt=&quot;comment count unavailable&quot; style=&quot;vertical-align: middle;&quot;/&gt; comments</description>
  <comments>https://bingqiu.dreamwidth.org/3264.html</comments>
  <category>me</category>
  <lj:mood>content</lj:mood>
  <lj:security>public</lj:security>
  <lj:reply-count>0</lj:reply-count>
</item>
<item>
  <guid isPermaLink='true'>https://bingqiu.dreamwidth.org/2987.html</guid>
  <pubDate>Thu, 26 Mar 2026 21:36:37 GMT</pubDate>
  <title>the pondering of a lifetime.</title>
  <link>https://bingqiu.dreamwidth.org/2987.html</link>
  <description>&amp;quot;insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result.&amp;quot;&lt;br /&gt;i need to stop conducting my home life as if i live with a rational person. this is a person who lies whether they are white lies or just blatant ones. this is someone who doesn&apos;t recognise kindness in the form of hardwork and the house is a bigger mess than before i cleaned it. this is someone who complains about my lack of emotional responses yet snickers when i bring up achievements or physical discomforts. this person is trying their best, but their best isn&apos;t enough. it is simply dragging me down and i am forcing myself to put myself in my shoes for once. empathy will get me nowhere but an unfulfilled life.&lt;br /&gt;&lt;br /&gt;&amp;uarr; i wrote this a few days ago, and now i have found myself with another dilemma.&lt;br /&gt;&lt;br /&gt;do i put aside my emotions by putting forward my emotions? my home life hasn&apos;t been enthusiastic. ive decided to cut the filler because ive been sacrificing a lot of my time and skill on my joint situation with this person. this is not directly my responsibility, but it feels like it, especially when you take my family dynamic into account. this person (parent) is my former abuser and has caused me mental issues that will last me a long time to a lifetime. i live in this parents house and they have told me they want to make things better. do i be the bigger person and communicate?&lt;br /&gt;&lt;br /&gt;im afraid ill be taken advantage of and ridiculed once more. sounds absurd, but its a fear enforced by prior experience of that exact same thing. i am also tired of being the caretaker of adults that have a developed brain and experiences that should mean they know how to conduct themselves especially around children (former child because now im an adult).&amp;nbsp;&lt;br /&gt;&lt;br /&gt;i feel like, if im not docile, there will never been a happy household. if i criticise too much, i have something against them (which i do but i can eventually put that past me if there were to be a productive conversation).&lt;br /&gt;&lt;br /&gt;im too tired to think more. my actions have consequences and i wont hide from that. i welcome it because i am human. i make mistakes, im an asshole and i am far from perfect. ill own it and do better when the time call.&lt;br type=&quot;_moz&quot; /&gt;&lt;br /&gt;&lt;br /&gt;&lt;img src=&quot;https://www.dreamwidth.org/tools/commentcount?user=bingqiu&amp;ditemid=2987&quot; width=&quot;30&quot; height=&quot;12&quot; alt=&quot;comment count unavailable&quot; style=&quot;vertical-align: middle;&quot;/&gt; comments</description>
  <comments>https://bingqiu.dreamwidth.org/2987.html</comments>
  <category>me</category>
  <category>rant</category>
  <category>abuse mention</category>
  <lj:mood>exhausted</lj:mood>
  <lj:security>public</lj:security>
  <lj:reply-count>0</lj:reply-count>
</item>
<item>
  <guid isPermaLink='true'>https://bingqiu.dreamwidth.org/2797.html</guid>
  <pubDate>Sun, 22 Mar 2026 17:18:57 GMT</pubDate>
  <title>freak fictional antics.</title>
  <link>https://bingqiu.dreamwidth.org/2797.html</link>
  <description>im not too big into the fictional-other/selfshipping community, currently named the yumeshipping community because of various reasons. one, im no longer connected to a lot of things like i used to. as a teenager, i had a vivid imagination that would affect my empathy. i could feel what i was daydreaming as well as what was displayed on the screen. plus, i had a lot of big feelings and hormones going on with a lack of clarity. now, i dont have that and im not mad at it nor am i happy about it. two, the discourse is insane. i want to save my brain from that. i love my selfshipping friends and mutuals though and dont care if they talk about discourse because i already know them. three, i dont have time to consume media as much.. oops.&lt;br /&gt;&lt;br /&gt;i dont know the origin of the rebranding of selfshipping to yumeshipping. im assuming its one of those:&lt;br /&gt;- thing&lt;br /&gt;- thing: japan ☀️&lt;br /&gt;&lt;br /&gt;i could be very wrong and im open to people telling me their experiences within the current community (or any other periods)!&lt;br /&gt;&lt;br /&gt;i still love my wife. she&apos;s so beautiful to me and i love the anime she&apos;s in. i will give her backshots of yearning.&amp;nbsp;&lt;br /&gt;&lt;br /&gt;im so happy i have a figure of her right beside my bed. she&apos;s still in the box though.&amp;nbsp;&lt;br /&gt;&amp;darr; funnily enough, she is a cisgender, heterosexual man. straight as an arrow, and up to interpretation, there is a character who transitions into a man and she does state that her feelings will end once the character transitioned. does that stop the animanga from having queer themes? hell no. in her latest adaptation, she is built like xXyaoimanseke9000Xx.&lt;br /&gt;&lt;br /&gt;in my eyes, she is a gender non conforming, aroace sapphic gal who has me as her husband :p.&lt;br /&gt;&lt;br /&gt;i have a playthrough of nier replicant pulled up so i can finally finish the game. i adore nier (automata), but i need to brush up on my lore as i dont remember a lot.&amp;nbsp;&lt;br /&gt;&lt;br /&gt;&lt;img src=&quot;https://www.dreamwidth.org/tools/commentcount?user=bingqiu&amp;ditemid=2797&quot; width=&quot;30&quot; height=&quot;12&quot; alt=&quot;comment count unavailable&quot; style=&quot;vertical-align: middle;&quot;/&gt; comments</description>
  <comments>https://bingqiu.dreamwidth.org/2797.html</comments>
  <category>me</category>
  <category>fandom culture</category>
  <category>games</category>
  <lj:music>夢想曲 - atlus sound team</lj:music>
  <lj:security>public</lj:security>
  <lj:reply-count>4</lj:reply-count>
</item>
<item>
  <guid isPermaLink='true'>https://bingqiu.dreamwidth.org/2431.html</guid>
  <pubDate>Sat, 21 Mar 2026 19:37:59 GMT</pubDate>
  <title>the little things, feat. corpse party spoilers.</title>
  <link>https://bingqiu.dreamwidth.org/2431.html</link>
  <description>&lt;p&gt;*final fantasy seven fanfare* i have finished corpse party!&lt;br /&gt;ive been meaning to play the game for so many years. probably since i was in my single digit years.&amp;nbsp;&lt;br /&gt;&lt;br /&gt;i thought it was going to be a heavy psychological horror, like the cast would die one by one in front of their loved ones. for reference, i played the &apos;good&apos; ending route except for the yoshiki/ayumi ending. i watch playthroughs and it took 10 hours to complete it, aka a few weeks in between days. i enjoyed it.&lt;br /&gt;&lt;br /&gt;i wish seiko had lived. i think 90% of the fandom wished she had lived. her fight was naomi was so confusing though. i dont think the words ewere hurtful enough for them to succumb to the darkening process, but i guess it was? i mean, im not blaming anyone. if i saw several decaying bones and piles of rotting flesh in a place that resembled satan&apos;s highschool, i wouldnt be in my right mind either. rest in peace, seiko. at least you got your wish to kiss naomi. also, at the very end of the game, when naomi revealed to satoshi that she killed seiko, i almost cried. i was fighting back tears and snot (i am sick). i love seiko. she&apos;s a real one.&lt;br /&gt;&lt;br /&gt;during the playthrough, i had to pause when i saw tumblr sexyman yuuya. i was kicking my feet and shit. that whole thing was a lil anticlimactic though because i was half expecting him and morishige to make out with blood coming out of every hole, but they haven&apos;t interacted once (on screen, at least). im all for rarepairs, especially when that&apos;s my thing, but i dont know. back to yuuya though, i liked his character. average irredeemable hot anime guy who is a murderer. everything category ticked off, especially the creep category.&lt;br /&gt;&lt;br /&gt;after sleeping 12 hours and having a cute dream, i feel like a human being again. i needed that rest because the sleep demons were catching up to me. i would not wish sleep deprivation on my worst enemy. i wonder how i look to other people. i already have sunken eye bags. are they hollowed out by now? its an interesting though.&lt;br /&gt;&lt;br /&gt;another thing to note, im doing my research on satanism and luciferianism. i dont see myself following a religion in a traditional sense, aka praying or worshiping a or several deities. delving too much into the unknown causes me to have heightened emotions, as if im limitless and have finally found an answer, so i would like to avoid that as much as possible. i am agnostic, but mostly lead my life and thoughts as an atheist. regardless, satanism has caught my eye, and most recently, luciferianism. im mostly there to spectate and come to my own conclusion if it will be one of the many religions i will chose to follow once my personality and personhood adapts in the future.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;br /&gt;&lt;br /&gt;&lt;img src=&quot;https://www.dreamwidth.org/tools/commentcount?user=bingqiu&amp;ditemid=2431&quot; width=&quot;30&quot; height=&quot;12&quot; alt=&quot;comment count unavailable&quot; style=&quot;vertical-align: middle;&quot;/&gt; comments</description>
  <comments>https://bingqiu.dreamwidth.org/2431.html</comments>
  <category>me</category>
  <category>games</category>
  <lj:music>lost - linkin park</lj:music>
  <lj:mood>nerdy</lj:mood>
  <lj:security>public</lj:security>
  <lj:reply-count>0</lj:reply-count>
</item>
<item>
  <guid isPermaLink='true'>https://bingqiu.dreamwidth.org/2052.html</guid>
  <pubDate>Wed, 18 Mar 2026 21:13:41 GMT</pubDate>
  <title>my head is itchy.</title>
  <link>https://bingqiu.dreamwidth.org/2052.html</link>
  <description>ive come across three new things when scrolling through the &apos;fictionfolk&apos; and &apos;fiction xenogender&apos; tags on tumblr. &lt;br /&gt;&lt;br /&gt;the first discovery was the term &apos;&lt;a href=&quot;https://www.tumblr.com/echoflect/806558103160111104/echoflect?source=share&quot;&gt;echoflect&lt;/a&gt;&apos;. this is an alternative term to post-2020 &apos;kinning&apos;. echoflect is when a person strongly sees themselves as a character. it was a curious term as i stubbled across it via my fyp. i appreciate this term as someone who is going back to my roots as fictionkin. kin has been heavily meme-ified in a climate that values being quote unquote nonchalant instead of having conversions about certain topics. insert me complaining about how the term fictionkin has been watered down.&lt;br /&gt;&lt;br /&gt;the second discovery is the term &apos;&lt;a href=&quot;https://polymind.carrd.co/#about&quot;&gt;polyminded&lt;/a&gt;&apos;. from what ive gathered, it was a term that was first meant to be endogenic in nature, however it seems to have shifted to anti-endogenic people who have a sense of plurality that they cannot ignore. after skimming through some posts, i would say this is similar to most endogenic origins with the only difference being that polyminded people do not associate themselves with endogenics.&lt;br /&gt;&lt;br /&gt;the third discovery was the anti-xenogender community. this wasn&apos;t a new find. i used to participate in transmed v. tucute discourse as a pre-teen to younger teenager. i guess, there was a new wave of anti-xenogender sentiment which birthed the term &apos;&lt;a href=&quot;https://xenoids.fandom.com/wiki/Xenoidentity&quot;&gt;xenoid&lt;/a&gt;&apos;. my lazy explanation is that xenogenders prioritise those with an untraditional sense of gender, most who happen to be neurodivergent. i remember seeing posts saying that this was ableist. i have no opinion on this as i am not diagnosed (yet) and it is simply not my niche to compare the two. arguments i have seen against xenogenders are: that they have no place in the transgender community because of the shame and ridicule they bring to non-xenic transgender people, &amp;amp; that tucutes are individualistic, only caring about themselves, and that makes them capitalists in spirit, &amp;amp; these (xenogenders) are just personalities so there is no real need to label them as genders. &lt;br /&gt;&lt;br /&gt;le shrug. i know this is all online discourse talk, but i am only documenting what i have seen in the past hour because i have been living under a rock. i want to dive deeper but i have been sleep deprived! ive been using all of my mental and physical energy on masking, completing exams and taking care of people. i have 2 hours to myself, give or take.&lt;br /&gt;&lt;br /&gt;talking about sleep deprivation, a family member (lets call them jane) sent me a video on how sleep is used as a manipulation tactic. it certainly has been used on me, and ive seen that same family member (let&apos;s call them john) do it our family at such a devistating time of our lives and more. &lt;br /&gt;&lt;br /&gt;&lt;span class=&quot;cut-wrapper&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;display: none;&quot; id=&quot;span-cuttag___1&quot; class=&quot;cuttag&quot;&gt;&lt;/span&gt;&lt;b class=&quot;cut-open&quot;&gt;(&amp;nbsp;&lt;/b&gt;&lt;b class=&quot;cut-text&quot;&gt;&lt;a href=&quot;https://bingqiu.dreamwidth.org/2052.html#cutid1&quot;&gt;This passage contains vague mentions of familial, mental abuse&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/b&gt;&lt;b class=&quot;cut-close&quot;&gt;&amp;nbsp;)&lt;/b&gt;&lt;/span&gt;&lt;div style=&quot;display: none;&quot; id=&quot;div-cuttag___1&quot; aria-live=&quot;assertive&quot;&gt;&lt;/div&gt;&lt;br /&gt;&lt;br /&gt;i wish i could write more. im so tired. i haven&apos;t showered either.&lt;br /&gt;&lt;br /&gt;&lt;br /&gt;&lt;img src=&quot;https://www.dreamwidth.org/tools/commentcount?user=bingqiu&amp;ditemid=2052&quot; width=&quot;30&quot; height=&quot;12&quot; alt=&quot;comment count unavailable&quot; style=&quot;vertical-align: middle;&quot;/&gt; comments</description>
  <comments>https://bingqiu.dreamwidth.org/2052.html</comments>
  <category>abuse vent</category>
  <category>observations</category>
  <category>me</category>
  <lj:mood>crappy</lj:mood>
  <lj:security>public</lj:security>
  <lj:reply-count>0</lj:reply-count>
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  <guid isPermaLink='true'>https://bingqiu.dreamwidth.org/1810.html</guid>
  <pubDate>Wed, 11 Mar 2026 23:16:00 GMT</pubDate>
  <title>dub, dub.</title>
  <link>https://bingqiu.dreamwidth.org/1810.html</link>
  <description>something was poking at my brain today.&lt;br /&gt;&lt;br /&gt;i&amp;nbsp;might be william dunbar from code lyoko.&lt;br /&gt;&lt;br /&gt;i used to have a w. dunbar kintype but that faded away, along with my other kintypes. i was too shameful of them and getting emotionally triggered whenever i saw doubles. it worsened as someone i considered a friend at the time had an e. okumura kintype and that ruined me. i still cant deal with doubles, but i believe i am more mature about it now.&lt;br /&gt;&lt;br /&gt;anyways, this shame made me lose my alterhumanity. huh. now that ive written this out, ive realised that shame has damaged me emotionally and mentally throughout my life.&lt;br /&gt;&lt;br /&gt;i have memories as w. dunbar, however i don&apos;t remember them as much (this is due to me suppressing memories in this life). i only remember the feeling of being isolated and possessed by xana. that was not fun at all. today while doing some work, i had a feeling i might have persued graphic design or something along those lines. the feeling was vague yet coated in melancholy- or perhaps an mirage of mixed emotions.&lt;br /&gt;&lt;br /&gt;all in all, despite having these supposed memories, e. okumura is truly me. is that controversial to say? my kintypes (gaku and supposedly william) are personal to me. i have a connection with them similar to a distant memory you knew was important. they are spiritual kintypes. i have memories as them, however if i were to wake up one day and forget a random kintype, i wouldn&apos;t be sad if i lost memories as those two kintypes.&lt;br /&gt;&lt;br /&gt;its different with e. okumura. the definition of kintype fits with how i align myself with him (.. me). i have been surrounded by kinstagrammers and kincordians for too long that the terms that involve &apos;-kin&apos; no longer holds weight as it used to. i forced myself to treat that part of myself as fictional, as a character. it hurt a lot. i didn&apos;t achieve anything because i ended up forcing everything down, &apos;forgetting&apos; who i was while still partly identifying with it. e. okumura is part of my soul. i feel, i remember. my skin stings with heartache. my canon wasn&apos;t exactly non-canon. what you see in banana fish is what happened to me.&amp;nbsp;&lt;br /&gt;&lt;br /&gt;as i write this, i feel the emotion come up from inside me. its bizzare.&amp;nbsp;&lt;br /&gt;&lt;br /&gt;though i am fictionkind, i doubt myself and conform to &apos;normalcy&apos; to feel less alone. despite my identity, im still baffled that it feels real to me. &amp;quot;this is a character. this is an anime, for gods sake.&amp;quot;&amp;nbsp;a voice tries to shake me. it isn&apos;t a very dominant one because i shoo it away. this is who i am.&lt;br /&gt;&lt;br /&gt;i miss my home, i miss my friends, and i miss my soulmate. the hardships were heavy, but i had people around me. i had myself, but life was short. dino took him from the world and his ghost took me. now im here :D.&lt;br /&gt;&lt;br /&gt;back to this life, i&apos;ve been reading entries from different blogs. im very introverted, even within cyberspace, so i just subscribe to people i find interesting. seeing such a range of people makes me feel relief. i can be a freak without anyone batting an eye. mainstream social media and apps that emulate them are great and all, but theyre too superficial to me, too rapid for my liking. i am purposefully isolating myself from my mutuals and friends because of how impersonal socalising is (spoiler, this is not healthy but i am not a mentally healthy person). im not saying dreamwidth is a haven void of the things i have mentioned, but at least i can write paragraphs while being somewhat anonymous and engaging with people all over.&lt;br /&gt;&lt;br /&gt;im still quite tired. i have to draw something before i sleep, but i would like to play the game i found on itch.io. it has a lot of dialogue so im skimming some of it. i have a jist of each character and i like the one im on now. he&apos;s a timid incubus who&apos;s learning more about his kind. rubs my hands.&lt;br /&gt;&lt;br /&gt;&lt;img src=&quot;https://www.dreamwidth.org/tools/commentcount?user=bingqiu&amp;ditemid=1810&quot; width=&quot;30&quot; height=&quot;12&quot; alt=&quot;comment count unavailable&quot; style=&quot;vertical-align: middle;&quot;/&gt; comments</description>
  <comments>https://bingqiu.dreamwidth.org/1810.html</comments>
  <category>fictionkin</category>
  <category>me</category>
  <lj:music>i am machine - three days grace</lj:music>
  <lj:mood>indifferent</lj:mood>
  <lj:security>public</lj:security>
  <lj:reply-count>0</lj:reply-count>
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  <guid isPermaLink='true'>https://bingqiu.dreamwidth.org/1723.html</guid>
  <pubDate>Tue, 10 Mar 2026 22:21:05 GMT</pubDate>
  <title>erratic, vile life.</title>
  <link>https://bingqiu.dreamwidth.org/1723.html</link>
  <description>my blood is cold and thick under my flesh, and it yearns for warmth. it yearns to rush around my limbs and my organs to grant me life once more.&amp;nbsp;&lt;br /&gt;&lt;br /&gt;i am tired. it feels as if a hollow rock has been inserted inside my skull and it just covers the top half of my eyes. my speech gets disorganised because of my thoughts. my thoughts aren&apos;t incoherent, they are somewhat jumbled like the first two words in a hypothetical sentence are swapped but i can mostly make out what it says. im not upset at this, but im not content with it either. comme ci, comme &amp;ccedil;a, y&apos;know?&lt;br /&gt;&lt;br /&gt;i finished dating killmulator and i miss abel. i miss the funny dialouge that took me by surprise. i miss the references that flew over my head (hamilton, here i come). it was a fun little thing that brought me back to personhood, and it kept my attention! the length of it at first glance felt daunting, but that was before i breezed through it. i wonder how many hidden gems i haven&apos;t ventured through are out there because i didn&apos;t feel like it or because i&apos;m too complacent with my lack of creative flow.&lt;br /&gt;&lt;br /&gt;i&apos;ve been (attempting to) read more. the first book was a questionable book that would have belonged in wattpad, but it sparked something within me at the very least. i have frankenstein beside me and a epub file of bleak house waiting for me. im not the most literate person. i try my best, and to me, that&apos;s what counts. i enjoy writing to the point of pursuing it as a hobby and possibly taking a secondary course for english literature or language. it worries me how passive i am when it comes to knowledge. &amp;quot;vile, do you know this?&amp;quot;, my inner voice asks me. i do not know &apos;this&apos;. im okay with it though (plot twist: i&apos;m not). i want to understand further. i want to be able to elaborate. i want to analyse the points people around me throw at me without being lost.&lt;br /&gt;&lt;br /&gt;i want to find more sources regarding bdsm and kink, mainly the psychology behind it and some (auto)biographies. could be blogs, official sources or a website manual. i haven&apos;t gone forward with the research as i am in the position where stress and caring for someone other than myself has taken over my curiosities. i detest how hollow i&apos;ve become. i have my own taboo(?) or weird feelings and arousals that i&apos;ve been aware of recently. im embracing them but its hidden inside a dusted box.&lt;br /&gt;&lt;br /&gt;i did mention how i have frankenstein staring back at me, but i might read fanfiction instead... or stare at a wall until its time to move onto the next activity.&lt;br /&gt;&lt;br /&gt;&lt;img src=&quot;https://www.dreamwidth.org/tools/commentcount?user=bingqiu&amp;ditemid=1723&quot; width=&quot;30&quot; height=&quot;12&quot; alt=&quot;comment count unavailable&quot; style=&quot;vertical-align: middle;&quot;/&gt; comments</description>
  <comments>https://bingqiu.dreamwidth.org/1723.html</comments>
  <category>me</category>
  <category>nsfw talk</category>
  <lj:music>hate this - grendel</lj:music>
  <lj:mood>rushed</lj:mood>
  <lj:security>public</lj:security>
  <lj:reply-count>0</lj:reply-count>
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  <guid isPermaLink='true'>https://bingqiu.dreamwidth.org/1446.html</guid>
  <pubDate>Sun, 08 Mar 2026 21:02:30 GMT</pubDate>
  <title>dating killmulator &amp; romance media.</title>
  <link>https://bingqiu.dreamwidth.org/1446.html</link>
  <description>while browsing through the play store, i came across a game that looked interesting enough. i dont play mobile games except for the brain-numbing cute ones while on the train so this was a change of pace. i love it so far. its called &apos;dating killmulator&apos;. ill try to summarise it the best i can: the mc gets caught up in the murder of a creep that was about to assault her. cain was the one who saved her and she passes out, at the bus stop, until the next day where her &amp;quot;best&amp;quot; &amp;quot;friend&amp;quot;&amp;nbsp;finds her.&lt;br /&gt;&lt;br /&gt;turns out, her friends are shitty people. emily is a self-centered, obsessive woman who uses the mc as a booster for her own superfical thoughts. jose is first introduced as a decent guy, but then he shows how much of a creep he is by overstepping boundaries and not being able to hide his alpha male-like bigotry.&amp;nbsp;&lt;br /&gt;&lt;br /&gt;there are three love interests: cain, the first murderer and super rich art kid (grown ass man); abel, muscular and popular pretty-boy (italian); and florian, the mc&apos;s psychologist (purple guy). at first, i was going for the florian route because cain and abel did not appeal to me. cain seemed too polished and abel seemed like he had nothing to him.... that was until abel went on to murder someone (wow, i like this guy now!). i am trying to get everyone&apos;s bars to 100%, but abel is my main focus. i wouldn&apos;t be able to tell you why i abel is my new choice.&amp;nbsp;&lt;br /&gt;&lt;br /&gt;actually, maybe i can. sharp mouth, sexually provocative (jokes and non-jokes alike), good amount of angst and a loveable asshole. i prefer spontaneous characters.&lt;br /&gt;&lt;br /&gt;i want to write about him. i need to project onto him (⊙_⊙).&lt;br /&gt;&lt;br /&gt;i think because i normally play yaoi, bl or queer inclusive visual novels, i expected this one to be gender neutral or have a pronoun selection screen, but nope. i got hit with girlmoding and a white hand. i don&apos;t have a problem with it. i just find it funny because im none of those things.&lt;br /&gt;&lt;br /&gt;ive come to enjoy more trashy romance (i finished twisted love by ana huang) (i have my own opinions on that). the reason why is because ive realised that i don&apos;t really know certain tropes. for example, i know what enemies to lovers is but do i &lt;em&gt;really &lt;/em&gt;know it? my brain did a time skip and now im relearning everythings, is the tldr. i also read dramacon by svetlana, which is a hidden gem in my opinion. i love dramacon, but again, i have my own opinions on it. sometimes, i wish i was a cis girl in the 2000s who went to an animecon and found the dark and mysterious love of her life or went to her first day of school and was suddenly the guardian of a mystical realm.&lt;br /&gt;&lt;br /&gt;back to dating killmulator, im going to play more and maybe write some dabbles. its exam season, so ideally, i need to focus all my energy on getting good grades but (˶◜ᵕ◝˶).&lt;br /&gt;&lt;br /&gt;&lt;br /&gt;&lt;br /&gt;&lt;img src=&quot;https://www.dreamwidth.org/tools/commentcount?user=bingqiu&amp;ditemid=1446&quot; width=&quot;30&quot; height=&quot;12&quot; alt=&quot;comment count unavailable&quot; style=&quot;vertical-align: middle;&quot;/&gt; comments</description>
  <comments>https://bingqiu.dreamwidth.org/1446.html</comments>
  <category>vns</category>
  <category>rant</category>
  <category>games</category>
  <lj:mood>amused</lj:mood>
  <lj:security>public</lj:security>
  <lj:reply-count>0</lj:reply-count>
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  <guid isPermaLink='true'>https://bingqiu.dreamwidth.org/1220.html</guid>
  <pubDate>Sun, 08 Mar 2026 20:17:18 GMT</pubDate>
  <title>the  mind  behind  @bingqiu .</title>
  <link>https://bingqiu.dreamwidth.org/1220.html</link>
  <description>&lt;span style=&quot;font-size: large; font-family: ms pgothic;&quot;&gt;&lt;strong&gt;welcome to my page. you can refer to me as &amp;quot;vile&amp;quot; or &amp;quot;frank&amp;quot;.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/span&gt;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;ID&lt;/strong&gt;: adult, queer &amp;amp; alterhuman.&lt;br /&gt;&lt;strong&gt;PRNS&lt;/strong&gt;: he &amp;amp; himself. testing out neopronouns when i check ones that suit me.&lt;br /&gt;&lt;strong&gt;KINTYPES&lt;/strong&gt;: eiji okumura ( banana fish, past life ). gaku maruko ( 100line, past life ). korekiyo shinguji ( pregame! v3, psy. ).&lt;br /&gt;i have copinglinks and synpaths, however they are not as prioritised.&lt;br /&gt;&lt;br /&gt;im a fairly private person with a lack of identity permanance. this affects how i communicate, so im using this blog to write down the thoughts deep inside my skull with minimal filtering. as you can tell, i am a spiritual fictionkin/alterhuman. i am also a (fanfic) writer who&apos;s work is mostly dabbles (hopefully, i can write a full piece soon).&lt;br /&gt;&lt;br /&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;font-size: large; font-family: ms pgothic;&quot;&gt;&lt;strong&gt;before you interact.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/span&gt;&lt;br /&gt;this blog will contain nsfw talk, heavy content (abuse &amp;amp; weird thoughts+), vents and all. the blog is 🔞!&lt;br /&gt;i am fiction-apathetic. i let people like what they like and maybe dip my toes and enjoy it with them. im always willing to learn, especially about kink. if there is something i dont like, i will avoid it and complain about it in my own space. with that being said, i like darker content and this blog will feature some talk about that. check the tags if that is something you want to avoid.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;br /&gt;&lt;br /&gt;&lt;br /&gt;&lt;img src=&quot;https://www.dreamwidth.org/tools/commentcount?user=bingqiu&amp;ditemid=1220&quot; width=&quot;30&quot; height=&quot;12&quot; alt=&quot;comment count unavailable&quot; style=&quot;vertical-align: middle;&quot;/&gt; comments</description>
  <comments>https://bingqiu.dreamwidth.org/1220.html</comments>
  <category>about the blogger</category>
  <lj:music>so long - seba, lo tek</lj:music>
  <lj:mood>calm</lj:mood>
  <lj:security>public</lj:security>
  <lj:reply-count>0</lj:reply-count>
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<item>
  <guid isPermaLink='true'>https://bingqiu.dreamwidth.org/978.html</guid>
  <pubDate>Tue, 21 Oct 2025 21:28:28 GMT</pubDate>
  <link>https://bingqiu.dreamwidth.org/978.html</link>
  <description>&amp;nbsp;what is the point of having friends if youre just going to emotionally detach from them in the end? i keep worrying that they&apos;d rather having someone better than me or they&apos;re saying im cool and every nice adjective out there just because youre their friend.&lt;br /&gt;i dont know how to feel better in friendships because thats where some of my trauma comes from and i still dont know how to navigate through them. the last one i was in i told myself that i would just be detached the whole time until they came to me about doing something. ive been more or less trying to be active so i can, yknow, be a friend but i keep getting anxious.&lt;br /&gt;&lt;br /&gt;is it worth it? i dont know because i wont even talk about my feelings in the first place.&lt;br /&gt;&lt;br /&gt;i hate being broken and i hate how i havent recovered this whole time. i hate people even more. i wish people were simple and that i could connect with them , but no. its always superficial and ill never undertand the other person nor will they understand me.&lt;br /&gt;&lt;br /&gt;i think ill always be stuck like this. it makes me sad but i cant cry. i cant talk. i cant feel deeply.&amp;nbsp;&lt;br /&gt;&lt;br /&gt;&lt;img src=&quot;https://www.dreamwidth.org/tools/commentcount?user=bingqiu&amp;ditemid=978&quot; width=&quot;30&quot; height=&quot;12&quot; alt=&quot;comment count unavailable&quot; style=&quot;vertical-align: middle;&quot;/&gt; comments</description>
  <comments>https://bingqiu.dreamwidth.org/978.html</comments>
  <lj:mood>aggravated</lj:mood>
  <lj:security>public</lj:security>
  <lj:reply-count>0</lj:reply-count>
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  <guid isPermaLink='true'>https://bingqiu.dreamwidth.org/763.html</guid>
  <pubDate>Tue, 23 Sep 2025 01:22:26 GMT</pubDate>
  <title>fanfic antics</title>
  <link>https://bingqiu.dreamwidth.org/763.html</link>
  <description>&amp;nbsp;i&apos;m trying to write, but my mind is blank. i have the plot down, the character personalities and more, but i don&apos;t have the same flow as i used to. it feels awkward. i can visualise it, but putting it into words is foreign.&lt;br /&gt;&lt;br /&gt;it&apos;s a smut so maybe i&apos;m less of a freak than i used to be (but even normal scenes are Hard.)&lt;br /&gt;&lt;br /&gt;i&apos;m very, very, very annoyed. i don&apos;t know how to convey my emotions (realisation: maybe that&apos;s the problem).&lt;br /&gt;&lt;br type=&quot;_moz&quot; /&gt;&lt;br /&gt;&lt;br /&gt;&lt;img src=&quot;https://www.dreamwidth.org/tools/commentcount?user=bingqiu&amp;ditemid=763&quot; width=&quot;30&quot; height=&quot;12&quot; alt=&quot;comment count unavailable&quot; style=&quot;vertical-align: middle;&quot;/&gt; comments</description>
  <comments>https://bingqiu.dreamwidth.org/763.html</comments>
  <category>fanfic</category>
  <category>fanfiction</category>
  <category>writing</category>
  <lj:mood>annoyed</lj:mood>
  <lj:security>public</lj:security>
  <lj:reply-count>0</lj:reply-count>
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<item>
  <guid isPermaLink='true'>https://bingqiu.dreamwidth.org/316.html</guid>
  <pubDate>Sun, 21 Sep 2025 13:59:09 GMT</pubDate>
  <title>fictionkin self &amp; related.</title>
  <link>https://bingqiu.dreamwidth.org/316.html</link>
  <description>i often don&apos;t know what to think about myself because i mainly see myself in third-person. i don&apos;t know what is normal/conventional so i have to compare myself to other experiences. i don&apos;t go on a rampage if i don&apos;t do this; it&apos;s just that i become a cautious person with little experience (i don&apos;t know why i&apos;m like this).&amp;nbsp;&lt;br /&gt;&lt;br /&gt;anywho, i opened this post with that as it has some relevance. i used to be eiji okumura (fictionkin, &apos;irl&apos;, possiblly have a fictional introject) (all different timeframes). till this day, i have a big connection to eiji and, instead of acknowledging it, i don&apos;t say anything as it&apos;s too complicated to identify right now. it&apos;s both triggering and relieving to consume banana fish content. it&apos;s my home, but it&apos;s not (but it is!). i don&apos;t want to reject it, nor acknowledge it. it doesn&apos;t feel like me (whatever &apos;me&apos; is).&lt;br /&gt;&lt;br /&gt;nowadays, i can&apos;t relate to things on a deeper level anymore. yes, i enjoy things immensely (depending on what it is) and i&apos;m in a better headspace than i&apos;ve ever been, but i no longer have that soul-binding connection that i used to have. i feel like a shell. im not too concerned about it though. i know that if i dig deep something&apos;s going to happen.&lt;br /&gt;&lt;br /&gt;i will not fuck around and find out.&lt;br /&gt;&lt;br /&gt;urrh, now i don&apos;t know if any of this makes sense. i just wanted to write something, oops. ~_~&lt;br /&gt;&lt;br /&gt;(happy birthday, svsss + first post with a melancholic touch).&lt;br /&gt;&lt;br /&gt;&lt;img src=&quot;https://www.dreamwidth.org/tools/commentcount?user=bingqiu&amp;ditemid=316&quot; width=&quot;30&quot; height=&quot;12&quot; alt=&quot;comment count unavailable&quot; style=&quot;vertical-align: middle;&quot;/&gt; comments</description>
  <comments>https://bingqiu.dreamwidth.org/316.html</comments>
  <category>kin</category>
  <category>vent</category>
  <category>fictionkin</category>
  <category>blog</category>
  <lj:music>Miki The Witch - kensuke ushio</lj:music>
  <lj:mood>irritated</lj:mood>
  <lj:security>public</lj:security>
  <lj:reply-count>0</lj:reply-count>
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